Mixed Fillings

Whilst we all have our own favourite pies, and may argue bitterly about the relative tastiness of steak & onion and cheese & leek, in our society we all do conform to broad preferences. We all agree, for example, that mince belongs in a pie but mushy peas, baby food and my keys don’t.

There wasn’t always such consensus amongst the pie community, though; in the 70s emerged a fringe group of Friday Piedayers sought to broaden our definitions of what belongs in a pie.

Some of their suggestions, like apple & blueberry and chicken, bacon & mozzarella, can be found on the pie table to this day; others tested less well with audiences. Let’s take a look at some of the more adventurous combinations.

Warning: Not for sensitive readers. Some of these are really weird.

• Greek yoghurt and grapes

This might sound kind of OK in a bit of a weird way, but now imagine it with shortcrust gravy, served piping hot and curdling, and swimming in beef dripping. It was a dark time in Pie Day Friday’s history.

• Another pie

What goes well with pie? Another pie, of course! If the conscientious piyer surgically peeled back the lid of this pie, inside they’d find another, slightly smaller pie. This is pretty cool to be fair, but once the novelty wears off, you end up with what’s essentially just a pie with a really thick crust.

• Banana and sweetcorn

Leading pientists believed that the key to flavourfullness may have been colour coordination. Also arising from this theory were the abominations chocolate & mince, boiled egg & haribo eggs, tomatoes sauce & soup, and the surprisingly tasty leek & lime.

• Gravy

You can see the logic behind this: gravy is fucking amazing. Apparently, though, what makes gravy so good is its contrast with solids. Otherwise you’re just drinking bouillon from a pastry bowl and that’s kind of grim.

• Water

This movement was sponsored by “CRUSTS Я US”, a company specialising in pastry.

• A CD with a pirated copy of “the Empie Strikes Back” starring Brendan Fraiser

This film actually stands up surprisingly well, but it was too crunchy to catch on as a filling in its own right.

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Pie Beg Your Pardon

Manners Maketh the Man

We all know that emotions run high on Fridays. It’s the end of a long week, sometimes it takes a while to get a hold of a pie, everyone ends up being a bit frazzled. Beers might be drunk, steam might be let off.

But, my fellow platipie, that is no excuse for letting your manners slip. The Order of Pie is founded on the twin principles of pastry and courteousness – without the latter, we might as well be animals devouring a sophisticated meal. Animals.

For those of you who have forgotten, please reread the code of conduct every Friday Piyer tacitly agrees to by eating pie:

1. No shoving. Remember: there is plenty of pie to go around.
2. No glassing anyone. This is a crucial one. No matter how many drinks you have, or how insulted you feel by your neighbour’s impression of the Queen, you must not glass them.
3. If you are sharing chips, you must offer them around before taking the last serving.
4. The piyer who receives pie last shall be commiserated with appropriately.
5. If you have to go and collect cutlery, you will collect enough cutlery for the whole party.
6. You must check everyone has decided before ordering.
7. If you arrive later than the specified meeting time, you must make a slightly self-deprecating joke.
8. You must comment on the weather at least once during the event.
9. Friday Pieday is a time to reflect on the past week and to think about the challenges to come. You must listen to everyone’s stories and not loudly yawn, even if you’re bored by Carol’s office stories.
10. No glassing anyone! I can’t say this strongly enough – you really shouldn’t glass anyone.

If everyone follows these simple guidelines, Pieday will be a nurturing and convivial experience.

Motivational Piester: Volume II

Pie Review: The Church House at Sutton

I went to the Church House at Sutton expecting, at best, a limp surf and turf. I can hardly describe my joy, then, when the waitress gestured to a chalkboard with today’s homemade pies – steak and ale; and steak, Guinness and Stilton. Suffice it to say a toast or two was made.

I opted for the latter pie, which set me back £10.50, and settled into a chair by the fire with a glass or two of wine, awaiting my meal.

Filling: There was an excellent meat:gravy ratio and the steak was so tender it fell apart at the touch of my fork. The Stilton was excellent, but, in true blue cheesy fashion, did overpower the flavour of the Guinness, so that it might as well have just been a non-branded ale, steak and Stilton.

Crust: Very good. Whilst crumbly on the outside, the pastry was delightfully soft inside. It did not fall into the trap of sacrificing structure for softness, however, and acted as a good container for the filling.

Gravy: Yes; a lot.

Sides: Tasty, probably homemade chips that were well crisped and a lovely golden brown. A good array of boiled or steamed seasonal vegetables, although I did end up leaving most of the cabbage.

Atmosphere: In typical village pub fashion, the venue was full to bursting, but there was a convivial atmosphere and a good deal of good-natured bantering. The pub itself was cosy if a little peeling in parts, and the toilets were very cold. I know that doesn’t sound relevant to this blog, but everyone knows pie and warm toilets go hand in hand. 

Overall Expierience: 8/10

Overall, a very reliable pie. Slightly let down by cabbage, cold toilets, and too strong a flavour of Stilton.