Which pie are you?

It’s been brought to my attention that surveys are pretty popular in the blogging world. People love being told what kind of this or that best fits their personality based on an easily manipulated test. Since my friend referred to this blog as “painfully niche”, I’ve been trying to court a wider audience, so here goes.

What kind of pie are you?

1 – How do you normally spend your Sunday mornings?

A) Strolling briskly over hill and dale; campaigning for Corbyn.

B) Heading over to a farmer’s market you heard about on Twitter.

C) Sleeping til eleven; then playing the Sims.

D) Slapping pork pies out of childrens’ hands.

2 – What’s your ideal holiday?

A) British beach holiday involving long cliff walks and fish and chips.

B) Anywhere with palm trees.

C) A staycation so you can catch up on odd jobs and help your mate move like you promised.

D) Thinking about undermining everything good people hold sacred.

3 – What’s your dream job?

A) Anything that lets you gaze into the distance with a stoic look on your face.

B) Head of PR at a multinational corporation.

C) Anything that lets you knock off early on Fridays.

D) Designing those self-checkout tills that constantly warble about unexpected items in the bagging area.

4 – What’s in your fridge right now?

A) Henderson’s relish – nothing else needed.

B) Tofu. Vegan cheese. Organic veg.

C) Leftover chili you’re pretty sure has gone past its best.

D) Quicheonquicheonquicheonquicheonquiche.

5 – Which of these superpowers would you pick?

A) The power to set the price of beer at £3 a pint.

B) The power to cook trendy vegan food and have it taste halfway decent.

C) The power to read minds. You probably wouldn’t use it, but it’d be cool to have the option.

D) The ability to turn eggs, a gift from heaven, into something that makes me retch.

6 – How do you normally spend your Pie Days?

A) In a pub on a moor with a pint of strong ale.

B) Surrounded by friends in a well-lit up-and-coming cafe.

C) Anywhere where there’s pies, pints, and mates.

D) Alone, in a tower, muttering.

7 – Which Hogwarts house would you be sorted into?

A) Gryffindor.

B) Ravenclaw.

C) Hufflepuff.

D) Slytherin’s not evil enough for you.

Answer Key

I know this system of totting up scores is ridiculously low-tech, but literally the only thing powering this entire operation is my deep-seated belief that pie is a little slice of heaven. I’m no Buzzfeed, is what I’m trying to say.

Mostly As: You are mince and onion. You’re a no-frills kind of person and, although you do tend to keep your feelings to yourself, you have a heart of gold and you’re trustworthy to a fault. Your friends are the most important part of your life, even if you don’t always tell them so.

You like your meat greasy and your gravy claggy; if people specifically asked, you’d say you thought men should be men but, in the back of your mind, you do have issues with our society’s oppressive gender roles.

You’re either from Lancashire and hate people from Yorkshire, or you’re from Yorkshire and hate everyone. You don’t believe in asparagus and you like your cabbage the way they used to do it at school: submerged in tepid water for eight hours.

Mostly Bs: You’re artichoke heart and stilton. You’ve acquired, through careful cultivation, a taste for the finer things in life, and you don’t mind people knowing it. Your Instagram inspires your friends and turns your enemies green, but even you do have to admit you’ve sacrificed a piping hot meal for the perfect snap a few too many times.

You have strong opinions about coffee and you’re secretly afraid that if you start drinking good wine you’ll immediately lose your ability to enjoy an Asda £3 bottle. Your friends get nervous eating spaghetti around you, because they know you’ll judge them for using anything more than a fork and flair. You pretend you drink Malibu ironically, but really you first tried it at a house party when you were fourteen and haven’t found a drink you like more.

You prefer cafes to pubs, especially if the cafes have unvarnished wood tables. Your favourite pie joint is Lord of the Pies; you lowkey believe in reincarnation but are too embarrassed to tell anyone. Your eyebrows are so beautiful they make people physically sick.

Mostly Cs: You are a Cornish pasty. You’re reliable, laid-back and a lot of fun. You’re more emotionally available than mince and onion and less intimidating than artichoke heart and stilton, but people tend to take you for granted. Sometimes you feel like the last pasty in the garage shop – but your friends do appreciate you, even if they don’t always laugh at your well-intended jokes.

When you’re in a group and someone interrupts a friend of yours in the middle of a story, you’re the kind of hero who will ask them to finish telling it. When a group is walking along the pavement and it’s too narrow for everyone to walk abreast, you notice whoever’s been left walking on their own and try and include them in conversation. After a night out, you insist everyone text you when they get home; although they roll their eyes, your friends are touched by your concern.

You’re super flaky, though. Like ridiculously flaky. Sometimes people struggle to get their heads around how flaky you are.

Mostly Ds: You are a quiche. You’re a monster and I hate you.